If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
