If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
