I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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