Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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