I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
