sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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