We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
