Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
