dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
