I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
