Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
