I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
