I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We need a shit load of segways right now
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
