i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Welp...herpes.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
