If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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