it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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