lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Someone shattered a urinal.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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