i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
