Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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