My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
