I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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