The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
