God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
