ADVERTISEMENT

• (708): View more from Illinois

  She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid

  Fav 26 8780 1234

  share tweet
  

• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

  Fav 6 5665 1278

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (320): View more from Minnesota

  Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.

  Fav 10 1453 4399

  share tweet
  

• (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.

  Fav 9 2537 1059

  share tweet
  

• (609): View more from New Jersey

  I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.

  Fav 5 1689 1188

  share tweet
  

• (801): View more from Utah

  I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.

  Fav 10 1911 956

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (518): View more from New York

  Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.

  Fav 10 969 1632

  share tweet
  

• (573): View more from Missouri

  Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.

  Fav 2 601 503

  share tweet
  

• (206): View more from Washington

  She's going to hate me

  (425): View more from Washington

  Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.

  (425): View more from Washington

  The rest will just start to agree

  Fav 3 942 598

  share tweet
  

• (817): View more from Texas

  Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??

  Fav 2 514 756

  share tweet
  

• (307): View more from Wyoming

  So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.

  Fav 2 843 350

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (812): View more from Indiana

  He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.

  Fav 4 559 397

  share tweet
  

• (301): View more from Maryland

  After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.

  Fav 2 74 19

  share tweet
  

• (507): View more from Minnesota

  First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab

  Fav 0 42 9

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...

  Fav 0 75 12

  share tweet
  

Randomize