Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
