when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
