Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
