a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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