Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Life is so much better after having sex.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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