The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
