I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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