Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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