You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
