Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
