how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
