Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
