Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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