life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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