rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
