She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
