Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She's the barista slut.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
