i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
