I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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