found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
