My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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