I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize