Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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