I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
