I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
