When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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