i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize