and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize