I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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