Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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