i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
