Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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