why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
