just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
