then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
