Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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